(crs) Etiquette - Pure and Simple

Sometimes, a man must poop at work. Try as he might to control the fabulous factory that nature has created inside him, it is an inevitable fact. When there is input, there must be output. A fact of life this may be, yet pooping at work is the worst thing that anyone can go through in the office setting. Were we still hunter gatherers, I imagine that our concept of work-time defecation would be quite different.

"Hey guys, you keep skinning that wildebeast, I've got to go take a walk in the bushes."
"Oh Og, you're always going to poop when we have to slaughter a new kill!"
"That may be, but I'm just glad we haven't had to resort to eating thorns and thistles for the past few days. I should have a very pleasant squat."
"I hear ya buddy, enjoy that BM!"

Instead of celebrating in a peer's successful bowl movements, as our anscestors surely did, our excretions are shrouded in shame and ignomony. Men being as we are, I'm afraid that furtive office poops are simply inevitable.

A quick side note - this article does not pertain to women. I've spoken to more than two women about this subject, and was not greated with any sort of empathy. Women, accustomed to chatting while sitting in their separate stalls and peeing, make a simple leap into the unabashed public poop.

When men pee it is not with such garrulous abandon. To talk to a man that is peeing is tantamount to admitting that you're trying to look at his penis, and no man wants to be construed as gay. The photo at left is an excellent illustration - every man knows the rules, and every man follows them. Except for europeans.

Therefore, when a man poops he must elevate his standards of personal comportment. To poop is a foul act, a weak act, an effeminate act. The imposing workplace demeanor you have been so assiduously cultivating can be placed in serious jeopardy if pooping rules are not properly followed. Just one idiot can throw off the carefully controlled social balance of a men's restroom.

Most preferable - pooping alone. No one wants to hear, see, or smell you, so why not just wait until you can conduct your dirty duty (ha!) on your own. My tactic is to enter the restroom, give a quick peek under the stalls, and if there is a previously settled occupant I respect his squatter's rights (ha!) and simply wash my hands and leave (as if that were the only purpose of my trip to the lavatory).

Appropriate - If you really have to go, don't feel like waiting, or are generally just a bit more relaxed about the concept of shitting, then it's acceptable to seat yourself and continue while other men are in the bathroom. IMPORTANT - first you must announce your presence to the room. This can be done by clearing one's throat, humming or whistling a few tuneless bars, or even a simple sigh. It's polite to do this first because if your bathroom-mate is stewing up a real doozy, he may choose to sit and wait in silence until you leave before he unleashes the heat.

Unexcusable - Please don't sit directly next to anyone who is already seated. You must be separated by at least one stall. He was there first, so don't presume to make him watch your tapping feet under the divider while he finishes up. I become so flustered when someone sits next to me while I'm pooping that I'll literally try and hold my breath until they leave. What if they recognize me through the crack in the door? What if it's my boss? What if it's the really cute guy from marketing? What insenstive lout would be so callous as to hurl me into such a maelstrom of indecision? I hate assholes (ha!) that do that.

Caveat - you drank heavily last night. If the freight train of ten miller lights and two plates of hot wings is pounding on the lower reaches of your colon then your main concern is finding any sort of servicable receptacle, not etiquette. We understand. We've been there.




Keep focused, man. You'll make it there in time.



-Chris