Richard Scarry will show up promptly on time to begin our day drinking at 5pm. Though prompt, he's probably more of an earl grey tea type of guy, and I can't imagine him hitting the champagne-bongs that I'll have set up in the living room. He'll just be very postive - "Chris, you are such a great individual, I'm so proud of you for snorting two uncrushed vicadin tablets through one nostril!" Maybe he'll create a children's story character based on me in honor of my party. "Snorty the Celebratory Hound Dog" sounds about right. Then my birthday present will arrive - Marky Mark Wahlberg. Kenny G and I will do body shots off Mr. Wahlberg for the better part of an hour, and then it's time for a good puke and rally. If I play my cards right then effete and fey Kenny G won't be able to handle his Quervo, and so he'll puke on Marky Mark, who I'll have to take to get cleaned off in an alley behind the house for about half an hour. Usually with Marky Mark I wouldn't last more than ten minutes, but I plan on being pretty bombed. I'll rock his world propped up on a dumpster for half an hour, and then we'll rejoin the party!
Did you know that June is national Zoo and Aquarium Month? For this reason, I'd imagine that Pancho Villa and Anna Nova will show up in dolphin suits. Pancho Villa will be invited because I need a Mexican who can hold his liquor to be at the party - I need to have someone to tell me what goes down after I black out, and I don't know any camera men born on June 5th. Anna Nova is the unknown of the party. She's Germany's number one porn star, has been in more than 120 stroke films, and is renowned for her predeliction for double-anal penetration. Should come in handy.
Ron Livingston will arrive on the scene at some point after Pancho takes off his dolphin costume, but before we all kill Kenny G and play in his blood. I say that because Ron will DEF want to help kill Kenny. I know that you don't think of Ron as being a violent guy (neither starring in Office Space or as Berger in Sex in the City were particularly action-packed roles) but did you know he was considered to play Goro in the Mortal Kombat movie? Ultimately he was rejected because the prosthetics that were required to give him four arms and make him tall enough proved too costly. Nonetheless, Ron is a man who loves his bloodlust.
Ron Reagan, Robert Kennedy, and Mel Torme are all totally welcome to crash the party. They weren't born on the right day, but they all died on June 5th, so I think that counts. Those guys are crazy, so you know they're bringing whores. I'd imagine at this point it'll get a little PG-13 (you know, bukake, anal fisting, intentional transmission of AIDS, etc.).
If Brian McKnight shows up (which he probably won't - he's a total flake), then we can have a nice little jam session before dissolving Kenny's body in lye and dividing up the remaining pieces for us to discard at a later date. Knowing Richard Scarry, he'll hold on to his share of Kenny for sentimental value, which is how we'll get caught. That sensitive bastard is going to land us all in jail! It's cool though, I love that dude.So happy Valentine's Day, everyone! More importantly, let's all look forward to the cinemax made-for-tv movie that's going to be based off my 24th birthday!
-Chris
PS - Though I haven't yet been jailed as an accessory to the brutal dismemberment and eventual killing of Kenny G, I have had $165 worth of pizza ordered on my check card in the past week (which is almost as bad!). If you know who's feasting on Domino's, Pizza Hut, and Jumbo Slice on my dime, would you invite them to my upcoming birthday party? Let me know if you do so I can buy extra lye ahead of time.
*important note - all afore-mentioned person who are deceased should be assumed to have somehow re-animated themselves in order to attend this very important bash.
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